Be the Light in the Night

This morning/afternoon I drew the Elder from the Angels and Ancestors Oracle.

Elder: Move Beyond Ancestral Patterns

( Move Beyond Patterns ).

There are plenty of things that I could have done in the past, but didn't because I didn't want my family to be disappointed in me or I didn't feel I could thrive well that far from family.

But drawing the Elder really inspires me to go digging again.  Digging up dead relatives is fun and addictive.  But it's also looking at patterns.  I really enjoy finding patterns.

Good Morning!

This morning I drew Drum.

Drum: Dream and Journey.

( Dream and Journey ).

I have been dreaming.  Back in the 1990s I used to see myself living of the land and off grid in my home, in a yurt or a dome home free and clear.  I find that now, those visions are returning. 

The domes and round homes I enjoy.  I also like yurts.  I am intrigued about tiny homes and skoolies and vanlife too.

May the Fourth be with you. 

Also Pie.

This morning I drew the Shield Maiden from the Angels and Ancestors oracle deck.

Shield Maiden: Make Plans and Focus

( Make Plans and Focus ).

I woke up thinking about my BIL who is an addict of alcohol and my cousin who may slip into that realm and how some treatment centers have exercise available for those seeking it.  I find it interesting, because one could exchange one addiction for another right there for a "healthier" option.  Many work out on a religious basis, and have difficulty stopping because of the happy hormones going off in the body.  Which may be healthier, but eventually you're going to have to stop and actually pay attention to what your body is trying to communicate or deal with the emotions that you're running from or hiding from. 

We tend to fill our day to the last possible moment to avoid doing the things that truly have meaning or work.  It's like we are frightened about something. 

Waking up and doing a "Miracle Morning" or doing a "Miracle Evening" are both ways of investing in one's self and doing personal work.  It's making a conscious choice to invest in your own emotional, mental, and physical well being, but also a time just for you. 

I was filling out my profile on Bumble and it asks Night owl or Morning Bird.  To be honest both.  But I actually really enjoy getting up before the household, so I can do the things that I allow myself to be distracted from during the day.   It's also a good time to work towards goals that I may be hesitant to work towards during the day, because the distractions.  Not to say that those distractions don't exist in the morning, but I can usually focus much better in the morning to do the necessary and focused work before I allow the world in.

Especially now that I'm not active and TT or Instagram.

You can be addicted to the distractions of body and mind, as a way to avoid the things that are truly important.   One can be very addicted to the distractions that work at avoiding the things that make us extremely uncomfortable.  Not saying it's right or wrong, but the detours can give the illusion that you are being productive when actuality, you're just busy not productive. 

Random thought trains.

This morning I listen to the Leo King in his weekly address. In his intuitive reading he has stated to allow the flow. To flow into the movement but also to flow into the things that need to be done. And it reminded me of Lomi Lomi and the fact that it is a flowing massage. That you are to flow like water or energy. And that is much easier in the flow of things in the body.

But also not to fear this flow of change. Not to think so much of all the things that need to be done, causing worrying fear, because to do this would restrict the flow. That the expectation of what was coming would cause some problems with the flow of what the universe was sending. This has come up with a lot in my intuitive readings as well, and the guidance that is channeled through for both of us.

Then I also drew The Traveler. Which is moving in a new direction. Yesterday I realized what I wanted in a partner. And it was pretty much everything Galen was not. But also realizing that I want to be the same thing to a partner. One of the things that I recall from Jeff is that he pleasured me. It was the first time ever that a man pleasured me before he pleasured himself. And I didn't understand why I didn't want to see his Parts with my parts, until several years after the relationship. I realized that the reason I didn't want to see his Parts, is because every guy that I have dated always pleasured himself before I was pleasured. And I didn't want to repeat the experience.

Yesterday I did a tapping meditation for my apathy. Today I realized it's not only apathy but also fear. I feel it in my tissues. It's all down my upper arm, that's a juncture of my wrist. It started in my back at my shoulder on the medial edge of the scapula oh, and it lowered to my lower back on the right side of my torso. During the meditation it also went further up toward the serratus anterior and out towards the medial edge of my upper arm. While I stay in the station isn't as acute as it first started, I can still feel it there. It kind of feels stuck. Like there's a band around my arm, holding a shield. The Shield of apathy, rooted in fear.

I did another round of tapping this evening on the same thing, only this time adding fear to the apathy. What I believe I did was in fear I raised a shield of apathy, that way my emotional landscape wouldn't be overran, and I wouldn't be harmed by those that wished me harm.

I love doing the EFT tapping, because doing it helps me talk and walk through things, but it also sometimes takes a life of its own. Where we start one way, and we end a different way, and sometimes longer than the actual meditation takes place. Because the meditation itself allows me to actually understand what the fuck is going on. And then I can tap on it as many times as I need to to allow that emotional landscape to clear.

Not only does it clear on an emotional level but it also clears on the physical level.

I'm realizing that I am doing too much. This has come up before as well, where in a partnership I do more than what is necessary.

When I was working through the meditation, I realize that I am holding that shield on my own and I don't have to.

I feel that this is an awesome direction to go. Because it makes me feel more alive, and it also allows me to heal wounds that I have held for a long time. To allow that pain to go. I don't have to hold it anymore. I can allow it to flow.

All through the meditation, I was yawning. There were no burps. It was the release of the energy. Which is always fascinating to have that release of energy. And emotion. It means things are working. It's always fascinating to observe.

Traveller: Move in a New Direction.

( Move in a New Direction )

The first thing I checked this morning was my bank account which followed me checking to see if my rent had been updated yet. 

Anyway... I find myself emotionally involved in the narrative of TikTok right now.  The Elon Musk thing and the Food Processing plants.  It's very interesting.  Little blurps about Johnny Depp's suit.

I find myself going off the emotional cliff because of the news I am seeing.  While I don't watch the news, I do watch TikTok on occasion. 

I take a step back.  Even before I drew today's oracle card, I was stepping back from the narrative in my head and heart.  Because it's fear.  The emotion underlining the narrative in my head is fear.  Fear that the people I know will watch the news and then get caught up in the narrative like I just was and then start spouting the narrative, because that's all they know. And I understand.  I understand, because I used to be there.  I used to watch the narrative just as much as people now do, but I am reminded of a quote I saw this week that stated.

Treat your mind like money.  Don't waste it. 

I would say Treat your mind like time.  Don't waste it. 

You can always make more money, you can't get time back.  You can even get your mind back sometimes, but it takes effort.  There are people who get their mind back after a stroke, but it takes time and effort.  So I guess your mind and money could be a better analogy, because you can get both back, but it takes effort.  Time is something that can never really be given back.

Feed your time and mind with things that enrich you, and you can become rich, maybe not in the way you think with money, but if you enrich your mind and time, then the money is just a side dish.

This morning I drew the Eagle.

Eagle: See from a Higher Perspective

( Looking at things Differently ).

I listened to A course in Miracles Made Easy by Alan Cohen and the thing that I learned mainly from the book was there is fear and love that all things branch from.  Anger, fear, frustration, hatred come from fear, just as joy, love, happiness, friendship come from love.   It's where do you wish to stand on the spectrum. 

When I talk to my clients there are things I say when they say I am trying.  Yoda says there is no try, there is do and do not.  But Fear leads to Anger, and anger leads to hatred and hatred leads to suffering.

People are usually fearful of the things they don't understand, then they become uncomfortable and frustrated about this thing or person or people that they don't understand and they get frustrated and angry.  Then they become hateful and more fearful because of this thing or person that they don't understand because they don't know, and that leads to suffering, because then they are bleeding that fear, anger and hatred on all around them.

Then the people they are bleeding that fear, anger, and hatred on may be responding to them with their own fears, angers and hatred, and wow...what are we seeing today?

I don't want to live my life in fear, so I avoid the news because it speaks to the fear that I have and I go down dark roads and feed the frenzy that lives in my mind.  But I when I take a step back and really consider what is going on, I understand why people are acting the way they are, because I too experience and have experienced the same result of my behavior.  And I'm struck today as I read Medical Medium by Anthony William that we are only hear the messages that we are ready to hear.

Several years ago I was working with a massage client and she had mentioned something from the book Medical Medium and I wasn't ready for the message, but I remember it.  Now I'm ready and listening.

We can't wake those that are currently sleeping, until they themselves are ready to awaken.  We can teach, but forcing someone to listen or heal, carries it own trauma. 

And Covid and the consequences or the theories that surround it, will hold a different trauma going forward on an individual and societal level for years if not generations to come. 

That causes me sadness.

Good Morningish Afternoon.

This Morning I drew Autumn from the Angels and Ancestors Oracle deck.

Autumn: Release the Old and Rest

Release all of the pressure and expectations weighing you down. Shed it all so that you can recover before moving into a time of renewal.

You know what is heavy, what is holding you back.  Is it a person, a situation, a dream?  Like the trees letting go of their leaves and fruit in the Autumn, it's time to let it go.  When you hold on, you try to control reality, and that never works.  When you let go, you make space for the new to enter your life.  You are being guided by your angels and nature Herself to release whatever is stopping you from moving forward.  And you can do this. 

When the Autumn card arrives in the future position of a spread or as the last card of a reading, it can also indicate that the coming Autumn will usher in important energies with regards to your question or intention.

This "morning" and last night was thinking where would I move in Wisconsin.  Where is my destination, and even journaling right now, I can smell my Grandma's house.  It was a grand place, but some of that is also nostalgia.  Do I go for what I know or do I take a leap of faith?  And isn't moving to Wisconsin a leap of faith?  Because while I may know a couple people in that state, I don't know anyone close to me in the locations I'm looking.

I would love to move into the old house, but it's a bit big for me.  I used to have dreams of buying it and moving it out of town.  But that's a nostalgia.  It was a sanctuary and I loved my Grandma.  I lost her too soon, back in the 1990s.

But I really like the old homes.  The ones built to last.  I've always enjoyed the character of those built in the last century or more.

But as I've decided what direction, what's drawing me on an emotional level, I want to look, create expectations of where I'm going.  But I'm not there yet.  The time isn't here yet, and to create expectations on the outcome never works.  So as i tell many of my clients and patients.  Release it and allow it to happen.  If you already know the guidelines of what you are looking for, let go and let the Divine work for you.

You do the work you need to do, and let the Universe bring you what you want.  Sometimes it's so difficult to release the control of the situation, even though control is an illusion.   Having experience in the Letting Go and allowing the universe to work for me, you would think I would know this already, but sometimes I have to relearn shit.